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I'm Carole, living in London, happily married and mum to two amazing boys.I was diagnosed with Stage 3 Rectal Cancer in April 2010. Surgery took place in November 2010 and I now have a permanent colostomy...Spinal mets were then diagnosed in October 2011...In January 2012 I was told of further spread to the hip area (multiple lesions)..My life expectancy is now 6-9 months. Walk alongside me on the last part of my experience with this..

Sunday, 16 May 2010

Last few days......

Thursday I woke up in lots of pain and felt quite down really. I know I'm going to have bad days as well as more positive ones but I almost feel cross with myself for allowing it to 'get to me' again. Decided to make cookies, mainly because Jacqui asked me for the recipe of the previous ones and I couldn't actually remember which recipe I'd used, so set about baking - and also decided it would take my mind off the pain.
Halfway through mixing up the cookie dough the postman arrived and I stopped to see what was there.
The letter about the meeting I had with the Surgeon on the 28th April was there (sent to the GP and copied to me) and there in black and white was the mention of the dreaded 'colostomy' again - and despite my promises not to cry about it anymore found myself in tears attempting to make cookies (which, by the way turned out totally crap) and then got angry with myself for getting upset all over again.
The point of this information is simple..... despite what people say about cooking being 'good therapy', it's total rubbish!!
All that happens is, you end up with a batch of inedible biscuits that are fit for the bin and you still have the pain and you still want to cry - so all in all, a waste of time.
Far better to wait until you feel well and buy the damn things from Sainsburys in the meantime.

Went to back to bed about 2pm and slept for an hour. The meeting at Dj's school about his school journey week was tonight at 5pm, but James had already offered to go for me - felt really glad that I didn't have to face it to be honest. Decided to have a better day tomorrow.....

Friday - Still uncomfortable and still not sleeping well. Lots of really weird dreams which leave me feeling upset even once I wake up.
After taking Dj to school decided to go to do a bit of shopping and try to find something for James' birthday. I'm totally disorganised this year and although he'd said he didn't really have anything in mind, I wanted to get him something to open.
So went to Colliers Wood with Jacqui and spent a couple of hours there. Good place to shop because you don't have to tolerate the crowds that other places generate and it's an easy journey home afterwards.
Slept again during the afternoon as feeling quite tired and still bit tearful really.

More letters arrived today from the various hospital departments that suddenly seem to have become a permanent part of my life now.
One confirming the Pre-Assessment for the Radiology department on the 25th May, another asking me to go to the Chemo department on the same day (half an hour before the Radio appointment) for blood tests.
Then about 4pm a phone call confirming the Chemo appointment and letting me know verbally that they expect the 5 week treatment plan to start on Monday, 7th June. I shall be asking for an afternoon appointment for that as that is the day that Dj goes off on his school journey for the week.

After looking at all those dates, I think the surgery will be sometime around early September - which is when Dj starts secondary school, so not exactly the best timing but Rab will take time off to settle him into the new routine and I have plenty of volunteers who will make sure he's sorted and ready to start on time.

So, not a great couple of days but I'm aware that I'm not going to be 'coping' and in the 'best of moods' all the time.
To be honest, just felt like feeling sorry for myself for the last few days - I'm sure it's not really too helpful but it's probably better than smashing something up :-)

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