I've tried to put it all to one side but to be quite honest, it's not possible to sideline this....it's always there in the back of my mind and as much as I try to push it back. it just resurfaces again.
I have these continual questions that surface again and again, such as what if they do this huge operation and this damn cancer reappears in my liver or lungs or bones or brain...I'd have had the op for nothing because the battle would start all over again with far less chance of sorting it out...
Other questions such as, in the US I'm finding information about giving 25 sessions of Radiotherapy and combined Chemo to SAVE the rectum/anus and concentrate on removing the much smaller tumour once it's shrunk. Here we're giving this huge amount of Chemo/Radiotherapy in order to then remove the rectum - no intention of saving anything.
I asked this question before my treatment started and the answer truly shocked me....
'Is there any chance that the Chemo and Radiotherapy could shrink this tumour enough to enable the rectum to be saved and just have the tumour removed with a decent safe margin?'
The reply was 'There have been cases where the tumour has virtually disappeared after treatment but it's unlikely that your surgeon would be prepared to take the chance on not removing the rectum just incase a single cell is missed and then the tumour could resurface'
He then went on to explain to me that there have been cases where the whole rectum and anus is removed and NO remaining cancer is found!
I don't know if that information just shocked you, but it definitely shocked me!
That information then gave me something to think about because quite frankly I'm not having a large part of my body removed 'just in-case'..that's like saying 'We'll take your eye in-case you go blind later on'....
I know that some people are going to find this hard to understand but I'm not prepared to have the operation under those circumstances. I've now decided that there are set circumstances that I AM prepared to have this surgery under which is:
- When I meet with the surgeon and his team on the 25th August and we discuss the latest MRI/CT scan results IF there has been NO reduction whatsoever in the tumour then I accept that I have no choice and have to go ahead with the op early September as planned
- If the tumour is actually larger than it was in April - no choice other than to go ahead with the op, early September.
Over the past few weeks I've researched everything I can on Cancer and Diet and there seem to be many connecting factors. Numerous information from different sources out there are continually pointing to the fact that you CAN make a difference by diet. The same food groups and supplements are mentioned again and again and it has to be more than just co-incidence?
I'm not saying I can 'cure' myself of cancer (although maybe I can, other people have done so in the the past) what I am saying is that this is a slow growing cancerous tumour, I've had it for years now and it's not going to kill me overnight - therefore surely I have time on my side to try to get it into remission myself or at least try to get it considerably smaller so that it's not affecting my life drastically or becoming life threatening by growing to a size where it will block the bowel.
I don't intend to play with my life here, if it's still large or worst case senario 'larger' than before, then I'll be a good patient and do as I'm told.