Since my surgery, and even before my surgery, I was managing to keep on top of things and convince people that despite all the crap (deliberate pun) I WAS coping really well, I tend to joke my way through life at the best of times but it's a cover up for how I'm really feeling.
Since my surgery I literally feel as though I've been hit by a steam roller, flattened into the ground and left for dead!
I saw my GP last Wednesday and we had a long long chat - lovely man. He said that he feels that now is the right time to admit that some counselling sessions will help me through the next bit of this journey. I agreed.
It was something that had been offered way back around last May but I resisted and decided I could sort myself out - but the truth is, I can't...and believe me, I have tried.
My GP feels that the combination of my struggle to get results reported, plus the continual ongoing pain from the wound area that hasn't healed is just a recipe for disaster. I cried, he listened and he told me that he feels that a weaker person would have been on their knees by now after what I've been though.
Now you see, this is actually weird for me to hear because I honestly think I'm being a wimp and that there are so many people worse off than me.
I find it hard to view myself as 'strong' or 'resilient' I'm just someone that HAD to find a way to deal with cancer and that doesn't necessarily make me a 'strong' or 'brave' person in my view...and although I've been sort of dealing with it all, I've not managed to see the light at the end of the tunnel yet.
A large part of the uncertainty has been the continual struggle to get results confirmed by the hospital - I finally managed last week to get my PRE treatment CEA levels (which were '5') and then when I asked for my POST surgery results 'Sorry, we didn't do them'...
WHAT the F***!
How am I supposed to relax and start feeling confident that you lot did 'get it all' then?
How am I supposed to 'move on' when you can't tell me F**k all really?
I'm angry with my post op care, (lack of results being confirmed) I'm angry that despite doing all they said, my wound is still so bloody painful, I'm angry that I'm still exhausted most days and I'm angry at myself for being angry.
So in short I'm just angry and I don't know what to do with this anger or how to stop it.
So counselling is the route I'm now going to use to see if I can reach the light at the end of that long tunnel.
My GP arranged to do my CEA levels last week for me - and he's happy to do them every three months (for as long as I want) as he feels that it's way too long to wait until June.
He also confirmed that he personally is in 100% agreement with me (and my Oncologist) that there isn't necessarily a huge benefit in doing adjuvant Chemo with rectal cancer. It's the luck of the draw really - some people it works on, others it doesn't so he is happy that on this one I made the right decision for me.
We discussed my symptoms:
Are you sleeping okay at night?.........No
Are you feeling your energy levels rising? .....No
Do you feel that you are coping with day to day things....No
Are you irritable and stressed at times?....Yes
Are you noticing an increase in your appetite?...No
Do you feel okay one minute then very sad the next?...Yes
Are you prone to tears when alone?...Yes
Are you avoiding social situations?...Yes
Can you get through this without intervention now?...No
Do you feel suicidal?...No
Therefore we decided that a batch of sessions will be useful. I get my results for my CEA tests and other blood tests on the 22nd February. Maybe then I'll feel a little clearer about things but right now I'm living in Limbo-land and it's not the best place for me (or anyone else living with me either)!
Funny thing is that before the surgery I would have thought it would be the colostomy that pushed me into the direction of needing some counselling - but it's not. The one thing I don't need to talk about and don't feel depressed about is that - strange how things turn out eh!
Much luv to all and as always thank you for the ongoing support xxx