Reflections.........

It's been a funny ol' week really - funny strange not hahaha funny (although there have been some haha moments - thanks Hazel/Christine)

I felt really tired this week again but knew I would have felt tired if I was doing 3 hours a day or 6 hours a day at work - it's an 'overall tired', not caused by working or anything - just a general tiredness that hasn't really left me since the operation...I admit that I've started to get frustrated with it all now.

Felt quite 'down' this week but couldn't put my finger on exactly what it was at the root of it - then tonight realised it's 7 months tomorrow that I had my op, 7 months ago when they told me 'in three months you'll be recovered and feeling well again' (yeah! right!)...

Just for the record, the wound still hasn't fully healed and my shoulder is still bloody agonising. My breathing never did return to normal after the surgery and I swear some days I feel worse than I did before - however, I'm also aware of the fact that had I NOT had the surgery, I'd be on the last few months of my life right now...so it's all about putting it into perspective and weighing it all up I guess.
Whichever way this ends up going, the surgery will have, at least, prolonged my life and given me the chance to, at least, attempt to be free of this cancer...and who knows, maybe they DID get it all..Yes, who knows? Not me yet - which is why sometimes I think it all gets to me and I end up having these 'down' weeks.

It's also one year ago this week that my Chemoradiation started - the most painful part of all this treatment was (for me) the pre-surgery Chemoradiation treatment.
I spent my 50th birthday having Radiotherapy and crying. I'd always said I'd do something special and memorable on my 50th (just didn't think it would be full on cancer treatment - lol)

This year it's my 51st - the plan was to celebrate and make up for 'missing' my 50th but in all honesty I'm too damn tired to even think about celebrating, too worn out to think about anything beyond the current day. And this is why I'm frustrated, I'm supposed to be feeling better each day (?)..I'm supposed to be 'on the mend'(?) so why then do I feel stuck in limbo still?

Part of this is because I've had no contact with anyone from my colorectal team since December - since my stitches were removed they've forgotten all about me (well, that's how it feels anyway).
I have this 'check up' appt on Monday morning - although I have no tests booked at all - I'm not really sure how you check someone post cancer without any tests of any kind?
Suggestions on the back of a stamp I think......

Friday, my actual birthday, I'm meeting up with Lou for a nice lunch. James & Leanne will pop over during the evening and I already have a little pile of cards waiting to be opened - so that's all nice stuff to look forward to.
Dj is off to Germany on Sunday (School Journey for 5 days) and he's really excited about it - maybe Rab & me will manage to get out for an evening (if either of us has the energy):-)

Other news is that I've had my chat with the boss and decided to stick with the 6 hours a day, 3 days a week for this term. We will then review this just before the summer holidays and make a final decision about permanent hours then.
I've been very lucky to have excellent support from my employer's during this - some other people I've had contact with have been treated really badly during their absence from their work whilst having treatment, many people have commented that their employer's have made it as difficult as possible for them in order to try to get them to resign their post.
Mine have been the opposite - they paid me as long as they could and have made it as easy as possible for me to return. I'm very grateful for that level of support....

Still want to win the lottery and give up work completely though :-))

Catch up soon xx