About Me

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I'm Carole, living in London, happily married and mum to two amazing boys.I was diagnosed with Stage 3 Rectal Cancer in April 2010. Surgery took place in November 2010 and I now have a permanent colostomy...Spinal mets were then diagnosed in October 2011...In January 2012 I was told of further spread to the hip area (multiple lesions)..My life expectancy is now 6-9 months. Walk alongside me on the last part of my experience with this..

Friday, 4 June 2010

Sunny Friday

Well, the weather in London has been lovely for the past few days again, warm summer sunshine but not too hot.
Sometimes London becomes totally suffocating in the summer heat but not yet :-)
I just wish my mood was full of summer sunshine because it's not. I can't seem to be bothered about pretending to be fine at the moment, I'm not fine!

I am in constant discomfort, feel totally fed up, can't be bothered to discuss ways to feel better because I don't want to feel better I want to be better - and that comes at too high a price right now.

I feel angry and irritated and I don't want anyone to tell me to 'pick yourself up' or remind me how much I should be feeling grateful for - I already know all that and I still feel depressed, uncomfortable and angry.
I don't want to talk about it - I just want to be left alone, I want to be depressed right now - being bloody positive all the time is just too hard.

Probably I'm feeling like this at the moment because the initial treatment starts on Monday and that of course takes me nearer to the next stage of treatment, the surgery.
I don't want the surgery, I don't want the damn bag and I'm tired of pretending it's all going to be OK because it's not OK...I don't want ANY of this - so today and until I feel like it I shall be staying in my foul mood.

Anyway, spent the day labelling clothes and starting to pack Dj's suitcase for his school trip.
He leaves at 11.30am on Monday 7th June and comes back about 5pm Friday 11th June.
James, Jawad & Terry are going to be tackling his bedroom while he's away so hopefully that'll be a nice surprise for him when he returns...... I say 'hopefully' because those of you that know Dj will know he really doesn't respond to change very well - so 'hopefully' he'll love his new style room (fingers crossed) :-)
My main concern about his room is that the vinyl flooring hasn't yet arrived - eeek! Oh well, if it doesn't turn up on time we can just sort that out when it does get here...

Dj has spent the past 3 days with James and Leanne to give me a break. He loves going there during the school holidays because Leanne takes him to work with her and that way he gets to play with other kids. He was supposed to come home yesterday but phoned and asked if he could spend one extra day. Leanne was happy for him to stay longer so I agreed.
Tomorrow he'll need to get his hair cut and then sort out his homework project (daft idea to give them homework when they're going on school journey next week, because no-one will remember and it won't get checked when they go back to school - which then means he'll feel like it was all a waste of time).

Apart from that, nothing special to do this weekend - just preparing for the trip really.


  1. Yeah Sis, well said " Its all about you eh!" love you lots you moody cow! xxxxxxxxxxxxx

  2. LOL, It is 'all about me, me, me' eh :-) And I AM a moody cow at the moment but y'know what?..... I don't care.
    Maybe I'll feel a bit better after get 1st treatment started :-)
    Love u lots too - and thanks for the offer of a holiday - just wish I'd felt up to it x

  3. Hey Carole, there are times when it absolutely has to be about you, you, you as it is your body this is happening to...of course we have to be positive and have everyone tell us what an inspiration we are but sometimes all of that can just get on our bloody nerves! Just got back from Whitby and will tell you all about that on my blogger!

    Don't try and feel better, wallow in self pity as your brains need to adjust...and believe me they will..when you feel like this just be a hermit, everyone will understand and if they don't then tough :-)

    Speak soon...

    T x

  4. It's about finding the right balance I suppose Tony, sometimes it's really easy to just get on with things and other times I just want to scream 'Leave me alone, I'm FINE there's NOTHING WRONG WITH ME....' (which of course is ridiculous because there is something very wrong & everyone just wants to help me)..... But you're right, sometimes you just need to be a bit of a hermit, stick your head in the sand for a while and recover your thoughts - and people will have to understand or they can clear off... :-)

    Looking forward to finding out about your Whitby trip...
    My mum has discovered your blog now and she's found it to be very interesting and full of moving & inspiring stuff :-) xx

  5. Oh piffle! Every one knows the best way to handle someone with depression is to tell them to 'snap out of it', 'pull their socks up' and to point out what a lovely day it is outside and how much they have to be grateful for!!!*

    So, pull your socks up and snap out of it: it's a lovely day outside!

    Please don't forget that you have a right to your feelings, whatever they may be. They're your feelings! And if being depressed and irritable and mardy gets you through the day . . . go for it! I'd offer lessons, but somehow I don't think you really need them.

    Dunno about DJ, but I'm excited about his new room!

    Love you xxxxxxxx

    *This may not be strictly accurate.

  6. Louise said 'I'd offer lessons, but somehow I don't think you really need them'......end quote....

    Ahem!.....Ummm, what you trying to say eh! eh! You trying to insinuate I'm an expert at bad moods....you talkin to me? :-)))

    Sorry Lou, was supposed to text you meet-up times yesterday but 4got completely.
    Will text u either later tonight or tomorrow.

    On subject of Dj's room, I remember when we decorated that room together when James went away on school journey - back in '91. Time flies eh....:-)
    Just hope Dj's as pleased with the final result as J was.

  7. Blimey! Was it as far back as '91??? I remember that. Largely 'cos I was off with stress and whiplash after a road accident. So I 'recovered' by getting up a ladder and painting a ceiling!

    You? Good at bad moods?? Well, if you weren't before, you're obviously practising well now. Aiming for the 2012 Olympics, are you? xxxxx