- I'm Carole, living in London, happily married and mum to two amazing boys.I was diagnosed with Stage 3 Rectal Cancer in April 2010. Surgery took place in November 2010 and I now have a permanent colostomy...Spinal mets were then diagnosed in October 2011...In January 2012 I was told of further spread to the hip area (multiple lesions)..My life expectancy is now 6-9 months. Walk alongside me on the last part of my experience with this..
Saturday, 29 January 2011
Swings and Roundabouts.....
The reason for the title is my mood swings really.
One minute I'm feeling fine, starting to feel like I'm getting back on top of things again and the next I'm ranting about something so minor it even feels stupid to me - however not stupid enough to actually stop me from doing it :-(
Rab said to me the other day 'WHAT is wrong with you'? I didn't answer because the truth is I simply don't know what to say....so I pretended I was deaf instead!
Dj said (thinking I was out of earshot)... 'It's the cancer Daddy, it's messed with her head I think'
Oh Dear! and how right he is.
I had to call him back the other morning because I'd yelled at him for something (something so unimportant that I can't even remember what it was now)...he left the house to go off to school in tears. I'm such a bitch sometimes.
But I did call him back, apologised and gave him a hug.
His response 'It's okay, I get it and you don't need to say sorry' :-(
Even my beloved Dizzie cat has taken to sleeping on the floor by the side of the bed instead of on the end by my feet. Bad vibes all round eh!
So, I'm working on trying to remain calm on the outside despite what's going on inside. I'm definitely working on trying my best not to keep snapping at Dj constantly. None of this is anyone's fault and I need to remind myself of that, no matter how pissed off I feel about things at times.
Okay, now for some positives......
I finally got the Employment Support Allowance sorted out (thank you Shents for the advice on that).
It was a total frustrating battle with red tape and authority, missing letters, snidey attitudes and incompetence - but I eventually received the payment last week, which went some way towards sorting out our massive overdraft. So that's a positive.
Another positive is that my rectal wound is healing - still not 'healed' but at least on the way now. The nurse has said it's looking much better and she's hopeful that it will heal completely within the next few weeks.
It's still uncomfortable to sit for periods of time in one position, but not as bad as it was a few weeks ago.
I have some appetite most days - which is good because I like food :-) It was becoming totally boring not wanting to eat anything and having to force myself.
Another positive for now is the Arsenal match the other night and 'Que, Sera Sera, Whatever will be, will be, We're going to Wembley, Que Sera Sera..........:-)) Yay!
My final positive thought at this point is 'I probably maybe haven't got cancer in my body anymore'
Sleeping patterns are still all over the place
Still tire really easily and my energy levels are not where they should be
Mood swings which affect everyone, including me!
Numerous joint pains and the nagging pain in the rib area is still hanging around. They checked my lungs but they showed as all clear in September but the nagging ache continues. No-one knows why
I have more grey hair than I had a year ago
And a final negative 'I probably still have cancer somewhere in my body'
See what I mean about the conflicting moods?
One minute I can think 'I have got rid of it' and then the next minute I'm thinking 'It's still there, hiding and waiting to be found again'...
Oh well 'Que Serra Serra' eh
Much luv to all and if you're one of the people I've been snappy with, I'm sorry :-(