One minute I'm feeling fine, starting to feel like I'm getting back on top of things again and the next I'm ranting about something so minor it even feels stupid to me - however not stupid enough to actually stop me from doing it :-(
Rab said to me the other day 'WHAT is wrong with you'? I didn't answer because the truth is I simply don't know what to say....so I pretended I was deaf instead!
Dj said (thinking I was out of earshot)... 'It's the cancer Daddy, it's messed with her head I think'
Oh Dear! and how right he is.
I had to call him back the other morning because I'd yelled at him for something (something so unimportant that I can't even remember what it was now)...he left the house to go off to school in tears. I'm such a bitch sometimes.
But I did call him back, apologised and gave him a hug.
His response 'It's okay, I get it and you don't need to say sorry' :-(
Even my beloved Dizzie cat has taken to sleeping on the floor by the side of the bed instead of on the end by my feet. Bad vibes all round eh!
So, I'm working on trying to remain calm on the outside despite what's going on inside. I'm definitely working on trying my best not to keep snapping at Dj constantly. None of this is anyone's fault and I need to remind myself of that, no matter how pissed off I feel about things at times.
Okay, now for some positives......
I finally got the Employment Support Allowance sorted out (thank you Shents for the advice on that).
It was a total frustrating battle with red tape and authority, missing letters, snidey attitudes and incompetence - but I eventually received the payment last week, which went some way towards sorting out our massive overdraft. So that's a positive.
Another positive is that my rectal wound is healing - still not 'healed' but at least on the way now. The nurse has said it's looking much better and she's hopeful that it will heal completely within the next few weeks.
It's still uncomfortable to sit for periods of time in one position, but not as bad as it was a few weeks ago.
I have some appetite most days - which is good because I like food :-) It was becoming totally boring not wanting to eat anything and having to force myself.
Another positive for now is the Arsenal match the other night and 'Que, Sera Sera, Whatever will be, will be, We're going to Wembley, Que Sera Sera..........:-)) Yay!
My final positive thought at this point is 'I probably maybe haven't got cancer in my body anymore'
Negatives are:
Sleeping patterns are still all over the place
Still tire really easily and my energy levels are not where they should be
Mood swings which affect everyone, including me!
Numerous joint pains and the nagging pain in the rib area is still hanging around. They checked my lungs but they showed as all clear in September but the nagging ache continues. No-one knows why
I have more grey hair than I had a year ago
And a final negative 'I probably still have cancer somewhere in my body'
See what I mean about the conflicting moods?
One minute I can think 'I have got rid of it' and then the next minute I'm thinking 'It's still there, hiding and waiting to be found again'...
Oh well 'Que Serra Serra' eh
Much luv to all and if you're one of the people I've been snappy with, I'm sorry :-(
Sis, the positive thing is that you realise that you are feeling snappy. But we all get snappy and most of the time don't have a reason. Don't be so hard on yourself. The nicest thing is apologising as it brings people closer. I'm sure Rab and DJ both have their snappy times and you understand them. Get those feeling out girl,and whenever you need a rant, I'm always here to listen.
ReplyDeleteAs for the sleep, don't worry once you get into a routine again in the future it will sort itself out. Hey, you know how bad my sleep pattern has been since I moved to Greece and live with self employed Greek man! But once I start work on summer I'll get into a routine too.
Good news about wound but slowly slowly does it, remember you have two males at home to help with things, you are not fixed just yet.
Pains in body, well you have been through a major life change and it may be stress that is causing you pain? Keep an watch on it though and go back to doctor anytime you feel you need to.
Congrtats to Arsenal!
re hair, grey is the new black!!
LOVE AND HUGS, Sarah and Manolis xxx
Oh how I can associate with all you said.!!!!
ReplyDeleteWe know we are doing it but cant help it.I tend to apologise to Ricky at least once a day.
I am so glad thatyour wound is finally starting to heal and would not blame you if you screamed and shouted all day after all you have been through.It is rough on everyone and goes on for such a long time.Make Rab his favourite meal or buy a really gooey desert and he will soon be OK,thankfully they still love us deep down.Roll on the warmer weather,we will all feel better then.Loads of love to you xxxxxxx
As well as taking on the diagnosis and treatment we have to learn a whole new set of lifestyle things. We have to find out how to manage being frightened and stressed. How to manage overwhelming fatigue, pain, and after- effects of treatment. We have to reset our life goals. And find new ways to talk to family and friends about our health. Not surprising we get snappy or down in the dumps.
ReplyDeleteAt the moment one of T’s frequent comments is ‘I don’t want to hear another word about it’ as I moan yet again about something, probably my college course or the lack of Spring cleaning, lol. So I must be moaning a lot without realising it.
So I go on my blog and have yet another ‘last word’! I still find blogging and posting a great way to help overcome what seems to be a never ending stretch of hurdles, and feel ‘bovvered’ when there is a long gap between your posts – silly isn’t it. But then again some we know find they need a break from the ‘cancer community’ as it can become a bit of an introverted navel gaze.
My sleep is still irregular. Last night I slept for 12 hours, the night before about 5.
Some people say it takes about a year to get energy levels back to where they were.
Aches and pains. I asked my consultant about that and his view was that it’s not unusual to have more pain after surgery than before as they can’t avoid nerve damage. Oh, great. I’m getting less bothered about it, accepting that every day is one of low level aches and pains and I’m not about to kill myself if I ache a bit more.
Grey hair – great excuse to experiment with some tints , highlights or low lights. Make a trip to the hairdresser a time of pampering.
Hello you crabby old bat!!
ReplyDeleteGood news about the wound beginning to heal up at last. As to everything else . . . well, it'll sort itself out in time. I suspect Sarah is right: stress will do all sorts of weird and wonderful things physically! As to the grey hair - you're knocking on a bit now y'know!! XX
WOW! Being female comes naturally dear Carole. We arre allowed our little 'mood swings.'
ReplyDeleteOn a more serious note, you, your body, mind, spirit and family have been through so much. You would probably say, looking back, you have been to hell and you are not yet out. Guess you had best keep going my friend.
You have a beautiful spirit and have apologised where necessary for your indiscretions. Those that love you understand. Just ask your gorgeous son!
Your strength and your energy will return and I am pleased to hear that wound is on the mend.
Love Chez xo
WHOA CAROLE!!
ReplyDeleteYou must have been inside my head this weekend. That's been me! Snappy Bitchy, grumpy..
I seem to apologise more often too. but the thing is we have gone through things bodies are just not conditioned for Chemo radiation, infections. Living with uncertainties, There are times I wish some of my friends would just say it's OK we understand without you having to add an apology.
But no worries Carole we got your back!! Love Alli XXOO
Thanks everyone for the comments.
ReplyDeleteAlli - you're right. Our bodies are not conditioned for the treatments on offer and there has to be a reaction. I guess I just expected mine to be more physical than mental..you live and learn eh :-)
Chez - my gorgeous son is so forgiving, you're correct. I told him again that I KNOW I've been snappy and I'm working on it. He said 'Don't worry, I'm used to it now' LOL!
Lou - I'm not 'getting on a bit' I'm there already! :-)
Looking forward to seeing you soon xxx
Fiona - it's good to know I'm not the only one with the 'sleep disorder' now.
Yesterday I managed to stay awake all day (unusual) then fell asleep for about an hour around 9.30pm. Finally managed to get back to sleep around 2am this morning. Now shattered again!
At least whilst I'm off work I can nap and catch up but I suppose my worries are around once I return to work if my sleep pattern doesn't improve.
PS. Rab doesn't say 'I don't want to hear about it'..he just switches off :-)
Rose - the lovely Ricky knows why you 'snap' because you've really been going through it lately. I'm sure, like Rab, he now accepts it as the new normal :-)
Sis - I know you're always there for me, and that you *get* me and my mood swings (thank God!).
I'll try not to be so hard on myself but also I'm trying not to be so hard on others around me.
Carole, I really related to this post as I read through it. Just the other day my husband asked me why I was being so crabby!! I think I might be less patient than I used to be, especially with myself. I got a laugh out of your son's comment about cancer messing with your head. priceless. My head has been seriously "messed with." You did balance out things by listing out some positives too! Don't be too hard on yourself. You are human. Thanks for sharing.
ReplyDeleteNancy - thank you.
ReplyDeleteI think that cancer does mess with our heads, (probably much more than we even realise). The stress then *has* to be released in some way - if I didn't have a grumpy day occasionally I'd be collapsed in a heap crying.....
So after weighing it all up I've decided it's probably better to have a quick 'snappy' period then just move on.
That's my excuse and I'm sticking to it now :-))