So.....what now?

Yesterday when I got home from work there was a message on my ansaphone from my nice colorectal nurse L...she had tried to contact me to discuss the recent bone scan results.
Immediately I knew this was going to be dodgy news simply because if it was good news she would have emailed me rather than called...however, the voice of reason starts to think 'Maybe she just wants to offer advice regarding the pain' ..then the other voice starts hearing the conversation that is pending.

Anyway to cut a long story short, I got very little sleep - was up at 4am with a stinking headache and of course the now familiar pain in the back driving me to distraction. Then at around 9.30am this morning L called me and we discussed the scan.

The outcome is that I have bone metastases (spine T9 and T10) - probably from the original rectal tumour BUT she stressed that this is very very very unusual as there are no lymph nodes impacted anywhere in the body, joints are unaffected and although it's possible for rectal cancer to move to the spine, it's extremely unusual for it to go to the spinal region without going somewhere more common first.....
So, to make sure all bases are covered she is requesting an urgent mammogram just to check that there is no sign of Breast cancer.
L explained that bone mets (to the spine) are more common with BC rather than rectal cancer - the mammogram is therefore to make sure there definitely isn't a tumour in that area...The recent CT I had on the chest area didn't pick up anything in the breast area - but then again, it didn't pick up the spinal mets either - but the mammogram is precautionary more than anything.

Putting all that to one side, it changes very little. Bone metastases cannot be 'fixed', I'm no longer considered 'curable'.... but we discussed what we can do to regain some quality of life.
The short term plan is urgent mammogram and L is contacting the other hospital involved in my care to organise some Radiotherapy sessions to alleviate the pain I've been experiencing. My care team will be discussing me on Monday to decide on next steps.

As to the long term plan.......the simple answer right now is, I don't know.  I do know that my long term survival statistics have now dropped dramatically - I also know that right now I'm still here and that life isn't infinite for any of us..

How do I feel? Pissed off with it all to be honest - but I DID expect this result.
I knew that the pain in my rib/shoulder area wasn't a 'normal' pain, it wasn't a run of the mill aches and pains type of pain so I knew it would either be bone mets or the other possibility I was looking at was damage from the Radiotherapy (*but that would have been more likely to have been joint issues rather than mid spinal column).
I did what I always do when faced with something and researched beforehand....spinal mets from rectal cancer only affect a tiny amount of people, in the region of around 4% or less - and that small amount of people who are affected by bone mets tend to become so after numerous tumours move into the liver/lungs/pelvic area first - so I was a little hopeful that despite my concerns it might turn out to be nothing serious.
No such luck eh :)

I don't believe in God but if I did, I'd definitely now believe he's got it in for me for some reason.....

Bastard cancer!

Catch up soon xx