About Me

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I'm Carole, living in London, happily married and mum to two amazing boys.I was diagnosed with Stage 3 Rectal Cancer in April 2010. Surgery took place in November 2010 and I now have a permanent colostomy...Spinal mets were then diagnosed in October 2011...In January 2012 I was told of further spread to the hip area (multiple lesions)..My life expectancy is now 6-9 months. Walk alongside me on the last part of my experience with this..

Saturday, 7 January 2012

In a calmer place.............:)

I'm back.....calmer and back in control. Over the past 5 days I have experienced a wide range of emotions, despair, disappointment, rage and now calm. A quiet calm really and an overall acceptance of what will eventually happen.
I think that if I was religious I'd feel that maybe 'God' or someone was looking over my shoulder and calming me down - but I'm not religious in any way so I reckon I'm just a tough nut :)) Once I get the emotions sorted in my own head I can deal with whatever comes my way. That's me and how I do things and how I'll continue to do it......Pain though, that's a whole different ball game, dealing with the physical pain is much harder than sorting out the emotional pain....

So, my immediate aim now is to get some relief from this ongoing pain.

On Tuesday I have my first session of intravenous bisphosphonate and this may assist in relieving some of the draining, sickening pain in my bones. I will also have some bone cement put into my spine at some point over the next few weeks - again the aim is to reduce the pain and strengthen the bones. Neither will stop the cancer from spreading further, but it may help to make the spread slow down - because the bone will be tougher to 'eat' through.

Monday morning I need to get bloods done to make sure they can go ahead with the infusion on Tuesday.

On Monday afternoon I'm seeing a Macmillan nurse at home - she will be sent from Trinity Hospice (gentle reminder that all donations (no matter how small) are very gratefully received by them - link on the left if you'd like to help them, help me. Many many thanks to the many people who have already donated and helped me reach £600 currently raised)...
We will discuss pain management and other things. She asked me when we spoke if she could bring a Social Worker with her, for emotional support for me and the family, but I said no to this. I have an army of people around me who can give me emotional support both in real life and cyber life. I'd rather the Social Worker's time was spent on people who do not have the network that I have. Neither Rab or Dj want outside help at this point.

Then that's it for this week - just rest up for a few days after the treatment which can give me side effects such as

  • Flu type symptoms, (high temperature chills and muscle pain)
  • Drop in calcium levels
  • Red or sore eyes
  • Anaemia (symptoms include feeling very tired and breathless)
  • Headaches 
  • Feeling nauseas and vomiting
  • Osteonecrosis - previously healthy bone tissue in the jaw becomes damaged and dies

and wait for this next one..........so funny......

  • INCREASED BONE PAIN !!! ............lol, good job I'm back in my calm place so I can find the humour in that one :)

On the other hand, maybe I'll be lucky and sail through this treatment with NO side effects - I'm long overdue a break here :)

I've decided to resign from acting in films, but I'll leave you with a famous actor's quote........
"I'll be back"!!! 

Much luv and catch up soon xxXXxx


  1. I know you would rather be healthy than an inspiration but you are an amazing woman. We all know that we have an expiry date but it is not in our face each and every day, we kind of push it to the back burner of our life. I love knowing you have such a great support system and now I know why. Your attitude would draw many to you who would want to help....hope all goes well next week for you, always in my thoughts.....:-)Hugs

  2. Good luck for Tuesday...speak next week. T xx

  3. Hi T,
    Yes definitely catching up next week. I'll ring you midweek
    Hugs xxXxx

  4. Hello Bernie,

    Thank you for your comment - such a nice thing to say :)
    Much luv to you xxXxx

  5. Good Luck with your treatment next week Carole. Thinking of you and your family love stef xx

  6. Simply love you to pieces. Hope all goes well following Tuesday. You've got far too much to say for yourself for osteonecrosis to set in!! xx

  7. Thanks Stef, hope you're well on the road to recovery now?
    Remember it still takes time - even once you start to feel a bit more energetic.

    Much luv xXx

  8. Love ya too Lou - :)

    and still laughing about that comment above :-))

    If my jaw stops working, I'll still have my fingertips - I WON'T be silenced....!! :-))

  9. Yes, Godd luck on Tuesday, I hope that you remain in your calm place...
    Thinking of you,

  10. Carole,
    I'm glad you found your own eye in your own personal hurricane. Hope some of these treatments help with the pain. I know all to well how much constant pain can take it out of you.
    Love ya...

  11. Thanks Carol, hope you've found a calm place too to settle into?
    In my thoughts xxXxx

    Yes let's hope the pain reduction kicks in soon, it will go along way to improving my overall 'wellness' for sure.
    I hope that you're not having to cope with constant pain too Carla?
    Love to both of you, tell Steve he needs to get back to blogging - no excuses :)
    Much luv always xXx xXx

  12. Pain was so bad for me before I came here to the hospice that I really wanted the end to come. It's impossible to carry on, people can only see maybe a frown or a wince, unless it's reduced you to tears but I kept those to myself. Once the pain is resolved things instantly seem brighter. I can't tell you how much I hope you can get the same level of relief as me. Not convinced radiation did much for me as i'm on so much methadone but I know it works for weeks afterwards. Hilarious risk of radiation is "may cause new tumours" obviously. You have to laugh....... X

  13. Hi Loopy,

    I'm just so so glad that they've finally got to a position where they can control your pain. You've had to put up with this for way too long.

    It's true, a wince, a frown just doesn't explain HOW bad this type of pain really is - and like me, you've become an expert at covering up your discomfort. I do my frowning during the day and my crying during the night :(

    I also know that Radiotherapy did very little for me - some tumours are quite Radio resistant - but I'm hoping that the tweaking we did yesterday with pain meds will make some difference once I get on the new regime tomorrow - which includes a lot more morphine than previously...side effects of everything we do to try to 'help' always make me smile *in an ironic way of course*

    Hoping your pain stays under control Loopy and that you continue to feel so much better than before
    Big hugs brave lady xxXxx

  14. Carole,
    I'm just fine other than trying to keep up with five kids and one husband all being in school and all the end of the term craziness. My bout with pain was four years ago. The doctors couldn't figure out what was going on, even the specialists. It entirely disappeared after three weeks and never came back. That three weeks however was hell. At the end of it I had gone from being able to ride a bicycle for 16 miles to barely able to walk to the bottom of my street, which is only 5 houses. I was shocked that I could fall apart so quickly just because I had been in constant pain for two plus weeks. It has amazed me to see you keep it together so well for as long as you have.

  15. I often think about when my day will come, and the way I look at it, is it will be about as stressful as all those billions of years before I was born, and from what I can remember of it (which is nothing) it wasn't such a bad place.

  16. Still thinking of you, hope that you feel better than expected.
    Hugs Carol