Yes, that's right.....I'm currently playing the lead role in a film - a science fiction film I think where time travel is a complete possibility.... either that or I'm playing the part of a woman who was involved in an accident of some type and suffered total and complete amnesia for 9 months!
I'll explain........Monday night I went to bed thinking that as much as cancer is pretty crap, and getting a terminal diagnosis is even crappier, at least I've got 18 months or so to sort everything out but by Tuesday morning I was sitting in my Oncologist office having a discussion about my bastard cancer, about how it has now decided to spread to my right hip (wasn't there in October but now is and is causing me intense pain) and he explained that what this now means is that my life is now limited to around 6 months - possibly 9 months, maximum.
Fuck that!........I lost 9 months by just going to bed one night - so since then I've decided to stay awake and stay out of bed. It's obviously not a safe place to go anymore - you end up being catapulted 9 months into the future and you don't remember a thing about it.....
That's it for now.......everyone who needed to know in advance of this post knows.... My boys are heartbroken but both are being brave and doing their best to cope with this shite.
I've cried tons over the past 2 days with various members of my family and friends and now I just have to get on with doing things that need to be done - update the will, write notes about where to find insurance stuff etc, plan my burial in advance, organise my retirement from work and attend the tons of medical appointments that are now stacked up for me - none of which will save or extend my life in any way.
My favourite saying is still 'Bastard cancer' and I doubt that will change...it appears to be the only certain thing left in my life now - that cancer was and is a total complete bastard!
I make no apologies for using this language - what I've said off here is far far worse. How can anyone look at their 12 yr old's face crumple whilst he bites his lip so hard to stop himself from breaking down in tears and not feel like swearing about this bastard cancer.....
More when I'm in a calmer mood I think :)
Much luv to all - oh and one last reminder, Trinity Hospice will now be supporting me with pain management and enabling me to stay at home with my family for as long as possible. The link is still there on the left hand side of my blog, if you feel that you've got a spare £2 or so you'll be directly helping them to help me.
Back soon with a more informed and less abusive update :) xxXxx
About Me
- Carole
- I'm Carole, living in London, happily married and mum to two amazing boys.I was diagnosed with Stage 3 Rectal Cancer in April 2010. Surgery took place in November 2010 and I now have a permanent colostomy...Spinal mets were then diagnosed in October 2011...In January 2012 I was told of further spread to the hip area (multiple lesions)..My life expectancy is now 6-9 months. Walk alongside me on the last part of my experience with this..
Bastard Cancer!!! I am gutted to read this Carole :( My thoughts and love and best wishes will always be with you and your wonderful boys :(
ReplyDeleteBastard Cancer! Nuff said... x
ReplyDeleteCarole ,my beautiful brave cuz....I dont have words or answers....All I can say is I Love You xx
ReplyDeleteOh Carole, I am so sorry....no wonder you are feeling cheated and mad, you certainly have the right too. My heart breaks for your sons, for you actually your whole family and I marvel at how through all this you are making plans so that their lives will be easier after all you have to go through. So wish I could do or say something to help, please know you are in my thoughts and prayers. Sending big hugs....:-)
ReplyDeleteCarole,
ReplyDeleteNo apologies due, let 'er rip!
Thinking of ya ...
Doug
Oh... Carole,
ReplyDeleteEverything about this situation sucks!
We all wish that there was something we could do to change what you and your family are going through. Just know that we love and appreciate you and feel it is a privilege to know you.
Carla
Oh Carole I am so, so, so, sorry. Bastard bastard bastard cancer. I hate it so much. You have EVERY right to feel this way and so do your family who come alive from your blog posts- it's feels like I know you and them, you write so brilliantly. I am thinking of you and your family so much, and wish I could ease the pain in any way. But I can't. So I will just have you in my thoughts and especially your sons, because I have very recently been in their shoes hearing that news, and thinking my world had ended. I think i mentioned previously though, one thing I didn't realise is that if you are lucky enough to have had an amazing mum (which mine was, and you are) they never leave you in a way, as they make you positive and strong every day even when you miss them so much(I am speaking from experience) All my love, Alice xx
ReplyDeleteThank you everyone for your comments...I'm in a much calmer place today. I've moved from being in complete control over Christmas, to devastation on Tuesday, depression on Wednesday, RAGE on Thursday and now it's calm Friday.
ReplyDeleteGetting on with 'doing' things now.
Just know that every comment means something to me, every comment keeps me going and makes me stronger. I'm not giving up, for now I'm still here - and I'm CALMER today LOL :) xx
Much luv to one and all xx
Alice - I feel that James will find your post above really helpful...thank you hun
ReplyDeleteI don't want to leave my boys, I'm *not* ready for this but I do know that I've left my mark on them. What you've said about your mum never leaving is beautiful and poignant. Thank you
xxXxx
Carole , like Alice I also know that a Mother is always with her children, your sons will learn to know that, and will know how to talk to you when they need you and i'm sure you will hear them and comfort and guide them.( hope that makes sense) Take care Hun stef xxx
ReplyDeleteDear Carole,
ReplyDeleteWhat can I say other than too right-bastard bastard f**king cancer!!! I hate it too!!!
This was the post I was dreading and never wanted to read!!
My thoughts are with you and your lovely family as you adjust to this new reality.
Much love and
BIG (((hugs)))
Chezzy
Hi Carole,
ReplyDeleteBastard Cancer.....say it without apologies!
Thinking of you.....Carol x
Carole, i still haven`t caught up with all your blogs...
ReplyDeleteI was so sad to read your news, then I got angry, this truly is a F,ing bastard disease :/ i lost my own mum when i was very young, and everyone else since :( but what i will say Carole is ...please just know that no one not even these Drs know it all, i think ive said to you before that my lovely sis was given 3 months!!!! I was devastated but she was still with me almost 2 years later, and even now I firmly believe that if she had had the treatment she should have had she would have lived much longer...
I don`t feel i have the right to say Fight it Carole cos i know you are and its a tough fight and im not the one with this bastard disease, although none of us know do we? but i know you will fight it for your precious family...My love to your beautiful boys...and to you and your dear hubby
I wish you Love, Strength and many, many more calm Fridays
Love sally xxxx
Carole, you certainly have left your mark on your boys and all around you....I said the same to Lisa that our legacy to the world and its future is our kids and the way they act. Shame on parents that don't get that responsibility. You only have to hear you speak of James and Dj's actions and not just in cancer to know you and Rab have done a great job SO FAR! Great to know you have not given up....accept the diagnosis and not the prognosis! Much Love Tony xxx
ReplyDeleteDearest Carole
ReplyDeleteYell scream and swear all you want to.
I am having to see this to often lately. My heart hurts for you.. It seems you have raised exceptional boys who have you to model when they look for their significant others. Sometimes words are just not adequate except to know you are in my thoughts and prayers....I will pray for you daily. Love Alli XOX
Carole,
ReplyDeleteI can't thank you enough for your kind words on my blog. Cancer really frigging sucks.
I'm so sad to hear your cancer is being even more of a BASTARD! My heart aches for your boys. But they are truly fortunate that your their Mom... :)
Hopeful pain management proves to be helpful and I will continue to keep you all in my thoughts.
Erinne
CaroIe I am humbled by your blog and the way you deal with everything, the good and the bad. I know you would rather not have my humility but you are an inspiration. your boys will always have you and be guided by the courage and love you have shown.
ReplyDeleteHi Carole, glad you are feeling in a calmer place (a true testament to how tough you are)I really do hope that my comment gives James some comfort- if at any point you'd like it, I would be more than happy for him and/ or his wife to have my email to share/ ask questions/ just tell someone how they feel who has been there very recently and will understand. Only if at any point they might want that. BTW- my mum had the biophosphates and she was terrified it would make the pain worse and of the scary sounding side effects. It didn't make the pain worse though and it did help. Really hoping that your pain gets sorted soon- it was the Macmillan nurse who ensured that this happended for Mum, she was amazing and did not settle for anything less!
ReplyDeleteTake care, love Alice xx
Sis, you will never leave us as I know you will always be there whenever I speak to you and whenever you wish to speak to me I will feel it. You are the best sister ever, my inspiration, I've always admired you and will be here for you as you have been for me all of my life. I love you so much and am happy that you share your life with me. We have this precious time together to share and enjoy, we always manage to laugh so much about something every time I see you and I am grateful for that.
ReplyDeletexxxx
@ Sarah...
ReplyDeleteSooooo now's probably a *good* time to apologise for the times when me and Eddie tied you to trees in the park and pretended we were playing cowboys and indians with you - so that we could go off and leave you there for a while :)
Luv you too sis, tons, and always will - and yes, we always do manage to find something to laugh about.
Long may that continue :-D xxXxx
I cannot imagine the place that you're at, but I am with the others. Rant if you need to. But remember this one thing...people beat the odds. It happens. Do not forget this.
ReplyDeleteI won't forget Debby and I'm hoping to be one of them :)
ReplyDeleteMuch luv xXx