Weekend 22nd/23rd May

It was a lovely weekend weather wise. The sun is out and for a change London is a lovely place to be :-)

If I had a nicer garden I'd spend more time out there - but as it's not that great I've spent my time indoors with the windows wide open, popping outside occasionally to see what the cat's up to (which involves all sorts of mischief, including now climbing the biggest tree outside then sitting as still as a statue waiting for a naive bird to appear!)...

On Saturday Rab, Dj and I went for lunch at Nando's - I actually managed to eat quite a bit for a change then had a sleep during the afternoon. Sunday Rab took the boys swimming (Dj and his best friend Aidan) so I stayed in bed until about 11am then just really did some bits and pieces at home, prepared a light meal for later in the day, sorted out work shirts for Rab and uniform for Dj and enjoyed the sunshine pouring through the windows.

The pain has been manageable for the last few days - maybe the sunshine helped :-)but the sleeping is still a problem for me.
Even when I go to bed at a decent time of night and manage to initially get to sleep it doesn't last for long. I find myself getting up numerous times during the night, either to go to the loo, get a drink, or just wander round for a bit.

I've worked out that around 4am is the time of my darkest thoughts for some strange reason....last night I found myself recalling an article I'd read about the fact that 5% of people die within 30 days of having bowel surgery - then I think 'that's not many so I'll be ok'
then I remember that the 5 year + survival rate for bowel cancer is 55% after surgery and being told we've got it....
then I think that 'at least it's more than half the odds in my favour'...
then I think 'I'm not going to die anyway' but then think 'but what if I do'?....
then I'm thinking about the dreaded bag.......then I sleep again.

Mad confused thoughts that only seem to surface during the night - sometimes it feels like you're losing the plot but then I get up in the morning and it's another day and I feel ok again and the 'darkness' goes away until the night time.
I don't feel worried about those things during the daytime hours, I'm managing to remain in a normal frame of mind...night time is definitely the weirdest time. :-)

Anyway, now it's daytime (therefore am 'normal' - whatever that is these days) and I'm getting ready for my latest hospital appointment so will report back later with (hopefully) confirmed dates for Radio/Chemo treatment plan.