Muddled through somehow.....

The weekend was spent trying to ignore the stingy pain (which makes it sound like a mild discomfort and I can assure you it's definitely not)... and distract myself as much as possible.
I was optimistic that without having the daily Radiotherapy sessions my poor sore bum would feel so much improved....sadly that's not the case.

Last night I laid in bed, had a short cry and discussed with Rab whether I even want to continue with the sessions - when I first went to Kings back in April my surgeon asked numerous questions and the answer to all was 'No'...
Such as;
do you have pain when having a bowel movement - No
do you have constipation one day then diarrhoea the next - No
do you have the feeling that you've not emptied your bowels fully - No
do you have pencil thin, hard to pass stools - No
do you regularly pass mucus in your stools - No
do you have discomfort in the anal area after a bowel motion - No
do you feel your bowels are blocked or restricted - No

NOW I can easily answer Yes to all the above......I thought treatment was supposed to make you better not worse :-(

Before all this 'treatment' started I had a sore bum that felt like piles and a small amount of bleeding after going to the loo - not an alarming amount just a bit after a movement - now I'm constantly wiping blood and mucus from a backside that stings to high heaven and literally drives me to tears and I'm wondering is this actually really helping me or not?

I asked the other day 'How do we know if the tumour is reducing in size, do I not have a scan half way or something to show us that it's starting to work?'...the answer was 'well, we don't know but we hope it's helping'.

So I then asked 'So how do we know that 25 sessions is what I actually need or is it just guess work?' *I can tell they're not happy at being questioned when they don't actually have the answers to hand*....
The answer was '25 sessions seems to be good for most people'...

to which I then said 'But if you don't scan half way through maybe people would only need 15 sessions or 20 sessions, isn't it a possibility that I'm receiving more Radiation than I actually need or want?'...

Anyway, I shall go for my appointment today - allow them to zap me again and see how I feel tomorrow. After today it'll be 9 more sessions to go.

I'd have liked this to have been a more positive update to my blog but if I said I feel great, soreness has gone, am coping really really well now it would just be a fairy story and not a true to life blog. I'll hopefully be feeling better by the next update.